maanantai 20. helmikuuta 2017

Let's get this straight, people: KALSARIKÄNNIT

For all my english speaking readers which according to the blog statistics there must be thousands, I clarify one thing which seems to be so hot now that even Elle-fashion magazine has taken it on. It is the finnish Kalsarikännit.

Now, some bureaucrat has given it a nice meaning: Getting drunk at home in your underwears without intention of going out. That is ok, it pretty much sums it up in a bureaucratic speech, but it still does not evoke the true spirit of it. They even made nice emojis for it.

Forget about that. Kalsarikännit is nothing nice or sophisticated. It is northern sub arctic shamanistic barbarism at it's purest form. It is a tradition from the days of our fore fathers who drank alone in their tiny log huts dozens of miles away from the nearest neighbors during the endless winter nights, the Kaamos. Check that one out and you get some idea of the historical roots of Kalsarikännit.

Kalsarikännit is a state. It is not a verb. It is what you achieve when you get wasted in your home alone with booze. Kalsari means underpants in english. Känni means drunk, like really drunk. It does not mean relaxing wine sipping or stylish lounging in your gown. It literally means that you get really really drunk alone at home. It means you get sauced up, flat faced wasted, like so drunk you can not even see what the F is showing on television. It means you get so drunk the world disappears and there is only you and your alcohol soaked fog.

Now, the basic intention is not to go out but it does not exclude it. Finns have gone out after kalsarikännit. It is not even exceptional, even though it is not common. Even some very famous Finns have done it. One internationally famed philosopher was found in his underpants very toxicated slumbering around huge market square in Helsinki city. One famous composer was found in his underpants out on the streets and he could not explain how the hell he had ended up there. Except that he had started to drink heavily.

So if you want to do Kalsarikännit like the Finns do, don't just sip some nice fine wine. Get a load of the cheapest shit and pour it down and get wasted. Or more sensible is to get a bottle of vodka and drink that all, or loads of beer and empty them all, or get a bottle of tequila and make that disappear. This is a Finnish way. It even has a close cousin in our language: Nollaus.

Nollaus means litterally taking everything down to the level zero. It means you are going to empty your mind out of everything, including your self-assertion. Just Fk it. Forget about everything. Just get drunk. That is Nollaus. Close relative of Kalsarikännit.

But why stop to the Nollaus? We also have Räkäkännit. It literally means So drunk that snot runs out of ones nose. If Kalsarikännit and Nollaus feel too comfy and easy, go for Räkäkännit. In that state you just don't give a shit about anything anymore, no matter if you are at home or not, alone or not.
PS, I have studied the Finnish drinking culture for 52 years. Trust me.